On toddlers

Your sister, amidst the havoc she has wrought

Dear Eli,

On Sunday you turned thirteen months. You're probably not walking yet, since I have photographic evidence to prove that you spend most of your day in a pink and yellow walker, but I have no doubt that you will be running around the house like a maniac shortly after we get you home. Just writing that wears me out, because your big sister runs me ragged on a daily basis on her manic pursuits of garbage cans to dig in, bookshelves to empty, crayons to eat, and anything below a height of four feet to break.

I love babies. But toddlers, man, they wear me out.

Rosie had surgery last week to close her soft palate, and while she came through it like a champ, she has been anxious and clingy and ornery since. She will demand food, and then throw it on the floor, then scream for more. She won't let me out of her sight, but she's likely to hit and scratch me when I pick her up. But just when I'm ready to hand her over to Daddy the minute he walks through the door (which both of them would love), she will do something so adorable that all, or at least most, of my frustrations are forgotten. It's a darn good thing she's cute.

Although I haven't heard the official word from China yet, my guess is that we have now moved into the LOA wait, which is the most grueling part of the adoption process. Last year, I think I went three-quarters of the way to crazy during the 63 days we waited. The problem isn't the length of the wait. If I knew I had to wait 63 days, I wouldn't like it, because that would be 63 days where I couldn't be with you, but I'd be fine with it. The problem is that nobody knows how long the wait will be. Right now, it seems that an average wait is around 55 days, but the average could easily be as few as 35 or as many as 80 by the time they get around to issuing ours. I know of someone who recently got their LOA in eight days, and I also know of someone who got theirs after waiting for 165 days. And there seems to be little rhyme or reason for whose paperwork gets pushed through quickly and whose takes a long time. So during the wait the last time, my angst wasn't triggered by wondering if I'd wait 60 or 70 days-- it was triggered by fear that I'd be the one to wait 165.

But this time around, if I'm being 100% honest, while I am still terrified about waiting 165 days, I'm also a little bit terrified about having two toddlers to chase, wrestle, feed, diaper, wrangle, and get in and out of car seats 20 times a day to drive your older siblings places. Rose is the greatest blessing I never thought I'd have (so far-- oh gosh, am I inspiring competition before you're even home?), but I fall into bed exhausted every single day. How, oh how, am I going to manage with two of you?

I'm sure we'll find our groove. We're going to bring her to China with us, so you'll have a chance to know your baby buddy before you get introduced to the rest of the clan. But I hope you'll be forgiving of me if I don't do everything right over the next few years. I promise I'll do my best. I guess the good thing is that you probably won't remember my mistakes.

Love,

Mommy