In Memoriam: Black Horizon Treadmill

AP- Salt Lake City, Utah

Little more than a year after being cleared on homicide charges in the untimely death of White Sony Television, Black Horizon Treadmill died of an apparent cardiac arrest yesterday morning. She was six years old.

Treadmill started her working years in Rochester, Minnesota in the home of Edward and Shelah Miner. Ed bought Treadmill to help his wife survive the long, dark Minnesota winters and initially thought Treadmill would live out a conventional existence, mainly serving the family as an expensive, oversized clothes hanger. But Shelah found a kindred spirit in Treadmill, visiting her on an almost daily basis for stress-relief and therapy. "It's like I lost a best friend," Shelah said tearfully at her home in Salt Lake City.

Over the last half-decade, Treadmill served Shelah well, getting her through Minnesota winters, Texas summers, and spica-cast-induced exile. The pair trained for four marathons and countless other races together. Since White Sony Television's death, the pair had been accompanied on their daily meetings by Orange iPod. In a prepared statement, iPod said, "While Treadmill's early death is lamentable, it's not exactly a surprise. Shelah has been steadily increasing my volume over the last year in order to hear her favorite podcasts over Treadmill's noise. And neighbors always knew when Shelah and Treadmill were working together because the whole house would shake. It's wasn't a question of if Treadmill would give out, just a question of when."

Although Shelah loved Treadmill, others couldn't understand the attraction. Many wondered why she punished herself on Treadmill every morning. Still others found Black Horizon Treadmill even more punishing than her Treadmill peers. Friends who came over to run on Treadmill often decided that a single run was enough. Similarly, both Ed and Shelah's mother, who visited often, refused to run on Treadmill, citing various bodily complaints after using her.

Treadmill's death came less than two weeks after the family moved from Texas to Salt Lake City. Shelah was excited to give Treadmill her own room in the basement (where they'd be less likely to shake the house) and spent the last few weeks increasing the intensity of their workouts together. Shelah said, "I'd spent our years in Texas holding onto Treadmill's handrails, but once we moved and Treadmill was located in a quieter spot, I wanted to break myself of the habit. Maybe Treadmill felt distanced from me in the last weeks of her life? If so, that was not my intent. I saw the change as a new, better phase in our relationship."

According to sources close to the family. Shelah had been running on Treadmill for approximately 34 minutes, at speeds varying between 8.5 and 10 mph, when she was called away to answer the telephone. She noticed a slight burning smell as she left the room, and when she returned, Treadmill wouldn't start. After several attempts at recusitation, Treadmill remained unresponsive. She was pronounced dead at 7:15pm MDT.

"I can't even think about replacing her right now," Shelah said. "I'm glad it's not 80 degrees at 5am like it is in Texas." The family plans to keep Treadmill in the basement for the time being, and will start looking for a replacement in the coming months. However, sources close to the situation wonder if Shelah can handle another piece of expensive electronic equipment: "White Sony Television's death could have been seen as an accident, but now Black Horizon Treadmill is gone too? I think I'd warn any Treadmill thinking of joining the family in the future that Shelah may be an electronics serial killer."