White Sony Television

White Sony Television
1994-2008

White Sony Television, beloved companion and communicator of mass media, died this morning after suffering a fall from a great height. She was 13 years old.

Whitey came into our lives on Christmas morning 1994, in West Des Moines, Iowa. She spent most of her childhood in various student apartments in Provo, Utah. In her adulthood she found herself the focal point of rooms in homes owned by Ed and Shelah in St. Louis, MO, Rochester, MN, and Houston, TX.

Television never married, although she had productive long-term relationships with Gray Apex DVD Player and Black Dish DVR. She enjoyed all kinds of programming, but specialized in broadcasting morning news programs, educational shows for the under-eight set, anything on the Food Network, and SportsCenter. She served most recently as Ed and Shelah's private bedroom receiver, and those who came to the house could see her sitting prominently high atop Ed's dresser, a spot which she enjoyed, but which, unfortunately, also led to her sudden and unexpected death.

Whitey suffered from a broken vcr and loose plugs in her old age, but her family never abandoned her for a sleeker, plasma model, instead nursing her through several lost remotes and an often-hazy connection to the satellite dish.

She is survived by Gray Sony Television of the family room and Black Television of the playroom, as well as countless electronic gadgets from all over the house. After services in her honor, White Sony Television will be laid to rest at the local recycling center.

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In related news, White Sony Television's death has been labeled an accident, and all charges against Black Horizon Treadmill have been dropped. Treadmill issued this statement, "I am very sorry for any role I may have inadvertently played in Television's death. I will try to keep my vibrations to a minimum in the future." Charges against Shelah, who was operating both Treadmill and Television at the time of the incident, are still pending. Experts close to the case believe Shelah will be asked to pay for a replacement as part of her punishment. She was not able to be reached for comment.