A letter to Rose-- January 10th

Dear Rose,

This having a baby thing is going to be a big change for all of us, including you. It was a huge change when your biggest brother, Bryce, was born. I was in graduate school and working, and Daddy was in medical school, and we were completely, totally clueless when it came to being parents. But we worked hard at it. Bryce was our "trial by fire" baby. He wanted to be held all the time, cried whenever we went in the car, had to be nursed with the water running, and once he started walking, he was running-- off like a shot with so much energy that I couldn't keep up with him.

Of course, part of the reason why I couldn't keep up with him was that I was already pregnant with Annie. I knew two things-- I wanted a big family, and I needed to get started on that big family before Bryce was old enough to scare me off of it. So we had Annie three months before Bryce turned two. Then Isaac was born two years later, and Maren two years after that. We always had one in diapers when the next baby was born, and when Maren finally potty trained, I had a party. Not a real party, but I was partying on the inside-- I'd gone through a whole decade of non-stop diapering.

Over the last few years, we've slowly adjusted to not having a baby around the house. I got rid of all of our baby gear. We started going on actual dates-- even with the kids awake. We can do things like take the whole family out to dinner or go skiing together or even go on family vacations without a stroller.

And then, at just about this time last year, I got this wonderful, crazy, undeniable feeling that wouldn't go away. We needed you. Over the last year we bought all the baby gear (again), baby proofed the house (again), and planned one final last hurrah babymoon for the family (more on that next week). But even as we've been getting the house ready physically, I've worried that we wouldn't be up to the challenge mentally or emotionally. It's a big job to have a baby, and I'm 12 years older now than I was when your brother was born. Are we ready to stay up at night and change diapers and deal with temper tantrums? And those are just the normal, everyday sorts of things everyone goes through-- are we ready to help you through your surgeries and your speech therapy and make sure you're firmly connected to our family? Of course, we believe we are, but I do feel a little tingle of nervousness from time to time.

At Christmas, your Aunt Jilly and Uncle Carl brought baby Sammy to spend his first Christmas with us. The kids were all so excited-- for the first day they swarmed him and got in his face and made him cry. And then, something happened. It clicked-- they remembered how to treat a baby. And it warmed my heart to see them with him, because I could see them falling in love with him, and I know that they'll fall in love with you just as quickly.

So maybe I shouldn't worry. I hope that this mothering thing is just like riding a bike and I won't be too tired and worn out for another ride around the block. And if I falter, your brothers and sisters will show me how it's done. 

Love, 

Mommy

P.S. We've done the math and it looks like the latest we'll be leaving for China is sixty days from now. We could have you in our arms in two months. Maybe less if the paperwork fairies grace us with quick approvals from here on out. I actually just mistyped "from" as "form." I haven't had to pee in a cup to get you here (well, just once), but I have had to fill out a whole lot of forms!