It won't be long now!

Dear Eli,

We've entered the official wait for your travel approval! What that means is that sometime in the next few weeks (but not next week because it's Chinese New Year) we will get a call from our adoption agency. I will cry and laugh when Lindsey calls, and then I'll scream and jump up and down and call everyone I know. It will finally be time to come get you. Back in August when we started this process, it seemed like we would never be standing here, on the cusp of travel. But, time passes, as it always does. And it won't be long now. Only six more weeks, if things go as planned.

But first, Chinese New Year. I feel the need to warn you in advance-- I am a dud when it comes to holidays, and as the mom of two Chinese children, I should not feel intimidated by the big Asian grocery store down in Sandy, but I do. I need to go down there this week and get some decorations, and a few treats, but I feel hopelessly out of my league when it comes to knowing how to celebrate.

It doesn't make sense to go all out like they would in China. There's no 10-day vacation here. Our family isn't gathering in from all over the country.

On the other hand, my attempts feel a little bit pitiful. We'll pull the decorations we bought last year out of storage and hang our dragon and our zodiac thing. Annie might make a "Year of the Snake" cake. We'll read a book or two about the holiday and eat some Chinese food. The girls will probably wear their silks. If I'm feeling really ambitious, I may put some money in red envelopes for the kids. And that will be it. It's a holiday that falls right near Valentine's Day this year, and I'll probably put about as much effort into it as I would into Valentine's Day.

I feel guilty about that, because I think it symbolizes that even though I'll always love you, and always do my best to be your mother, there will be times where I just won't know what to do, or how to do it. Sometimes, my best might not be enough.

And you might read this when you're older and think that I'm just referring to the fact that you're adopted-- that I'm a white woman with too many kids, and you're an Asian child whose parents never fully understood your struggles with identity and family. Maybe you won't even have struggles with identity and family. But I'm talking about more than just that-- there will be times when my best won't be enough. But my ears are open, and so is my heart. And this Chinese New Year thing, I hope we'll be able to figure it out together.

Love,

Mommy