About a week and a half ago, I ran the Ogden Marathon. I used to blog all about my races, but race reports are boring. I will say that the race was awesome-- it wasn't my best time ever, but it was probably the best runner's high I've ever had. I want to run Ogden every year until I can't creak my way down the canyon anymore. Anyway, after I run a marathon, my feet are always a mess. I'm not much of a girly girl, but I have starting indulging in a pedicure after a marathon.
So last Thursday, Rose and I hobbled over to the salon around the corner. I slid into the massage chair, eased my feet into the warm water, and planned to spend the next half hour making silly faces at Rose while the Asian nail tech worked on my feet. I've had a few pedicures at this salon before, and the nail woman has never struck up a conversation with me. To be honest, I wasn't all that sure she spoke English-- she usually points to the posted menu of options and gestures for me to point to what I want.
A few minutes later, another patron in the salon walked over, cooed at Rose (no one can resist cooing over Rose) and asked me how long I'd had her. I answered the woman, and the following conversation ensued:
Nail Tech: That's your baby?
Me: Yep. We brought her home from China two months ago.
NT: China? I heard it's very expensive to adopt from China.
Me: (some sort of noncommittal grunt)
NT: How much did you pay for her?
Now what do you say to that? Remember, this is someone whose English is limited (although apparently not as limited as I thought). Do I answer her question based on how much the adoption cost? But it makes her sound like a commodity, not a baby, and what we paid for was a service-- the processing of fees from both governments and the adoption agency, as well as her care for the year she was in the SWI. We didn't pay anything for her, but the adoption did cost money. Do I tell the woman, who was then wielding a pair of scissors as she trimmed my cuticles, that it's none of her business? Because really, it's not, right? I have told friends and family what our adoption expenses were, and they were sizeable, but referring to it as "paying for a baby" sounds awful, so I chalked it up to the fact that her English might not be good enough to understand all the nuances, and cited nice, round number, picked up a People magazine, and started pointing out pictures of Drew Barrymore and Princess Kate to Rose, who decided she wanted to eat the pages.
But the nail tech was undeterred. After picking her jaw up off the floor, she continued:
NT: I read in a magazine that for like $150 you can get her mouth fixed.
Me: There are lots of US charities where doctors volunteer to do surgeries for kids in countries where they might not get them otherwise.
NT: Did you pay $150 for her surgery?
Do I actually tell her how much it cost? Because even with insurance, it was a lot more than $150, and completely worth every penny, all hundreds of thousands of them. Do I say that there won't just be one, but at least half a dozen additional surgeries in Rose's future? I'm torn-- because on one hand I recognize that the tech's interest is genuine, and I love talking about adoption, but between the insensitive questions and my worry that any response I try to give is going to be misunderstood because of our language barrier, I just said that our insurance was paying for it and left it at that.
Rose was grabbing for the remote and happily bouncing along to the motions of the massage chair at that moment, blissfully oblivious to the conversation going on around her. But she won't always be. While the vast majority of our interactions with curious strangers have been positive since we've brought Rose home, I know we'll have lots more conversations like these in our future. And honestly, I'm not sure how to handle them. The pleaser in me wants to give the stranger what they want to know, but I also have my daughter to protect and empower, and sometimes I won't be able to please the stranger without putting Rose in an awkward position. I knew I'd face these kinds of challenges, and I was great with thinking up snappy comebacks when I was enduring all of those months of waiting for Rose, but now that she's here, they don't come to me so quickly. I just hope she can muddle through with me and not hold it against me too much when I murmur a number and stare at my shiny pink toes.
6 comments:
It's tough. Snappy comebacks are made with the assumption of purposeful rudeness... most rudeness is not purposeful. I think. I hope.
My least favorite question: "are they sisters?"
Well... yes.
Maybe you could reframe the inappropriate question in terms of a more appropriate question. E.g., it's rude to ask how much a baby "costs," but if she was considering adopting a baby from China, it would be more reasonable for her to inquire as to the expenses and other details.
So, if she says "How much did your baby cost?", you could respond "Oh, are you interested in adopting a baby from China? If you're ever looking into that, let me know and I'll be happy to share all kinds of information with you."
Rephrasing her question lets you redirect the inappropriate question into a conversation that *is* appropriately respectful of your daughter.
As a mama who has adopted kiddos from VietNam... and I'm gonna make the very un-PC leap that maybe perhaps your nail gal was Vietnamese... I find that there is an abumdance of curiosity from the Vietnamese American community re adoption, especially in comparison to the Chinese American community. AND there's some cultural differences about what's PC and what's not in regards to $.
I think she was just curious. But still I think your strategy was really appropriate. Change the subject. Move on. Especially as Rose ages and starts to understand that it his her story alone to interpret and tell.
I had a friend tell me once, "Those that ask you, aren't close enough to know and those that are close enough to know, don't ask."
I tell people that our son's adoption story is his to tell and since he's ten months old and not yet able to decide if he would like to share that information with them, that I need to respect his privacy.
The most I'll give anyone is that he was adopted domestically.
Sometimes it makes people mad that I won't give them the details, but I really believe it's our wee fellow's private history. Adoption is always going to be a part of his life, how much he chooses to share should be his choice.
I've always told people it cost roughly the same to adopt from China as it would to have a baby in the hospital without insurance.
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