Tuesday, November 29, 2011

A letter to Rose-- November 29th

Dear Rose,

I really want to write a sour grapes letter today. I miss you. I want you home with me. Today was a big day on the forum, and lots of people who got matched with their kids after we got matched with you got to move on to the next step in the process, while the last I heard, our dossier for you hasn't even been translated yet. So I sit, wait, reload my email, walk around, check for voicemail, reload my email, whine to God, whine to anyone else who will listen, and reload my email. Why can't things just go in order? I like lines. I like order. I'm not good with uncertainty, disorder, or waits of any kind. It reminds me of when I was trying to get pregnant with Maren and it wasn't happening as quickly as I wanted, and even though the process was entirely out of my hands (other than the obvious, but we'll talk about that in a few years), I couldn't think about anything else. I wasted a lot of energy that year, and I know I'm wasting it now too. I try to tell myself that it's because I love you and it's not because I'm cutthroat and competitive, but the truth is that I love you and I'm competitive.

But I'm not going to write about that ("Wait Mom, you just did," you say? Are you already taking lessons in smart-aleckery from your older siblings?). I want to show you this picture. It's your big sister, Maren. She's been the baby of this family for almost five years. While everyone's life is going to change when you join us, hers will probably change more than anyone else's. She gets in bed with me at night. She won't let me leave the house without letting her give me a "hug-kiss" where I stand at the back door and she hugs and kisses me until she deems it okay for me to walk out the door. She basically gets whatever she wants, and if anyone gets their wishes catered to, it's our little Mei-Mei (her nickname, from babyhood, is Chinese for "little sister," which now feels like a poetic irony). But pretty soon we'll have an even littler Mei-Mei. You.

One of the things that the kids in our family get, in exchange for making their beds and not giving me too much guff, is either a small allowance or, in Maren's case, a "toy of the month." At the end of every month, she gets to pick out a new toy. This month, she chose a "Chinese Baby Stella" and she hasn't let it out of her sight since she got here. I know that this doll isn't you, Rose, but it still warms my heart to see her cuddled up with your little proxy. I hope that in a few weeks (by Christmas, please? I don't want anything else!) we'll have that all-important letter, and it won't be too much longer until it won't be a proxy baby snuggled up with Maren, but the real, living, breathing you.




Melissa said...

Reading what you said about Maren so hits home with what's happening with Mara and this new baby too!

She will be turning 6 about a week after my due date! I worry too! Mara still prefers to sleep next to me and is my buddy-we do everything together! Trying to make her more indepenent before this little one comes isn't just hard on her!! I'm finding it pretty difficult to put my foot down!! :-)

Charise said...

Hi Shelah - Charise from a recent Segullah post, I lurked here after you mentioned your pending adoption. Your letters speak right to my heart, and the wait is agonizing, expecially after you have that precious picture to look at every day, without that little person to love in person. No words of comfort here, except that when you get to hold them.....goodness...it's worth it all!!! Our little Chinese lovey is the light of our lives - he was 17 months when we picked him up. My heart aches for you, good luck while the 'waiting' period lasts.