I really want to write a sour grapes letter today. I miss you. I want you home with me. Today was a big day on the forum, and lots of people who got matched with their kids after we got matched with you got to move on to the next step in the process, while the last I heard, our dossier for you hasn't even been translated yet. So I sit, wait, reload my email, walk around, check for voicemail, reload my email, whine to God, whine to anyone else who will listen, and reload my email. Why can't things just go in order? I like lines. I like order. I'm not good with uncertainty, disorder, or waits of any kind. It reminds me of when I was trying to get pregnant with Maren and it wasn't happening as quickly as I wanted, and even though the process was entirely out of my hands (other than the obvious, but we'll talk about that in a few years), I couldn't think about anything else. I wasted a lot of energy that year, and I know I'm wasting it now too. I try to tell myself that it's because I love you and it's not because I'm cutthroat and competitive, but the truth is that I love you and I'm competitive.
One of the things that the kids in our family get, in exchange for making their beds and not giving me too much guff, is either a small allowance or, in Maren's case, a "toy of the month." At the end of every month, she gets to pick out a new toy. This month, she chose a "Chinese Baby Stella" and she hasn't let it out of her sight since she got here. I know that this doll isn't you, Rose, but it still warms my heart to see her cuddled up with your little proxy. I hope that in a few weeks (by Christmas, please? I don't want anything else!) we'll have that all-important letter, and it won't be too much longer until it won't be a proxy baby snuggled up with Maren, but the real, living, breathing you.