The problem with hip-huggers

Which pair of hips do they hug?

As a teenager I was remarkably un-self-conscious about my body. And it's not because I had a perfect body, because I don't. I have this weird, huge ribcage, big boobs to boot, and a tummy that has always been prone to fatness. The rest of me is fine. In high school I danced and swam, so I spent a lot of time each day in either a swimsuit or a leotard and tights. Even though I spent a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror (while dancing), I guess I didn't scrutinize my body too much.

Then I went to college.

In my sophomore year, Suzi lived across the hall from us, and introduced my roommates and me to our second pair of hips. And just like Kathy Bates and her girlfriends holding hand-held mirrors up to see their vaginas in Fried Green Tomatoes, I felt like a whole new world was opening up to me. Sure enough, I had regular hips (you know, near your butt where your hip joints are), but I had a second pair of hips on my upper thighs (and I've since discovered that I was probably the last person in the world to know about saddlebags). And you know what, try as I might, I just can't lose that second pair of hips. My legs are pretty darn toned right now from running and yoga, but I still have a small pair of saddlebags on my upper thighs.

So if I gained a second pair of hips when I turned twenty (or at least became aware of them), I've discovered a third pair of hips since turning thirty last year. Now I'm developing a soft, saggy set above my real hips. And let me tell you, they are so attractive. So just picture this: on the upper thighs, stubborn, hard-fat hips that won't go away; regular bony hips where hips should be, and soft jiggly hips that make low-rise jeans nearly impossible to wear. I swear, I look like a deflated accordion.

What's a girl to do? Certainly not diet. I already exercise five or six days a week, so upping the exercise won't help. I figure the only way to cure my figure crisis, at least temporarily, is to get pregnant. I figure that my belly will be so big that it will draw attention away from the hips. But if I have three sets of hips and three kids now, I am just slightly fearful that having another baby will also give me one more set of hips.

--originally published 2/21/06