Gross...but I have to ask

How long do you hang on to your positive pregnancy test? (or, if you're me, the whole shelf of positive pregnancy tests?)

Every morning when I open my medicine cabinet to choke down the prenatal vitamins, I can see my little talismans of pregnancy. Every morning I ask myself if today will be the day when I finally throw them away. And every morning I let them stay where they are for at least another 24 hours.

What I want to know is why I allow them to stick around. At this point the pink lines have darkened to a brownish red, and the blue lines have gotten watery and faded. I'm sure that if I smelled them, they'd stink (after all, I know from the experience of cleaning Bryce's bathroom every week that the smell of urine does not improve with age). Twenty-six weeks and two days ago, when test #1 finally showed up with two pink lines after five months of waiting and four months of disappointment, I knew that I couldn't just toss the test in the garbage. It was a symbol of the tiny new life inside of me. But when that test was joined by 14 others (in a steady flow), and they all started to crowd out the jams and jellies in my medicine cabinet, I'm wondering why I didn't just let myself toss them out.

Now, two trimesters later, I don't need to check the darkness of the lines on the tests to reassure myself that I'm pregnant. In addition to the huge moving belly (no, it's not a tumor), I have a whole stash of ultrasound photos, a whole closet full of baby clothes, and a room decorated to the nines. There's no question about it-- we're getting ready for a baby.

But still, I can't get rid of the pregnancy tests. I've always held onto them for a while with my other kids, but never this long, and I can't quite figure out why I haven't been able to let them go. I'm sure smartmama would say it's because I haven't turned them into an art project yet. But unless you're Marcel Duchamp, pee doesn't seem to equal art in most cases. Is it because this pregnancy (at least to me) seemed to be so hard-earned? Is it because it's my last? Is there some other reason? Whatever the reason, as the weeks pass, the lines on those tests look even more crusty and distorted, but they still claim their rights to the top shelf of my medicine cabinet.

--originally published 10/25/06